Connecting on all levels

Blog 9

The next morning, I was working away in the galley feeling an excitement. I got subtle tingles of energy all around my head… I knew something was happening or going to — I could just feel it.

I didn’t know what, but I was feeling ecstatic with excitement. I kept wondering why, asking that quiet place within myself what’s happening. I had the feeling to turn my head and look outside the porthole and there she was — “old mother wood” rig.  A burst of warm energy descended from my head to my feet my whole body. I felt so blessed. I felt a sense of familiarity of her energy. I felt the deep connection within. I felt full of joy and couldn’t stop giggling.

She felt me before I felt her, a deep knowing that she’s been waiting for me, waiting for me to be ready to serve. She’s been waiting for me to blend with my energy and pass messages onto my heart. She’s been waiting so so long for me to understand and realise that we have never been separated — that she followed me, known me, conjolled me and never abandoned me. She’s been waiting for me to come back to her.

I waited for my break before meditating. I felt and saw a greyish coloured energy was coming up from the earth in my yoni welling into my womb I breathed this energy up to my heart. It felt like a back flush of oil fueling me. I wasn’t able to breathe it up further — it just seemed to settle in my heart. I did think it was weird, yet it felt so good. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you.

I wanted an answer: Do I or don’t I attend a kundalini dance workshop in Bali? I didn’t feel I could tell people I was going as I had received remarks back tinged with jealousy and bitterness. I’d just had an amazing two month holiday in New Zealand and I want to go to Bail and dance for a week. Certain people couldn’t feel happy for me. The feeling I got back was: yes go to Bali. I will be with you. Go deeper and deeper — like my energy in this well. Go serve your sisters and brothers, serve me. I felt the truth. I feel like such a child, insignificant compared to the vast void of energy. I’m feeling she’s not giving up all her secrets yet… I had a softer, kind of resigned feeling.

Cleaning the decks that night, I felt my back straighten and stiffen up as I was getting yelled at to hurry up so we can start the monthly union meeting. I joined the crew in the mess. Mr. XN instantly stated I was doing minutes.

I felt my stubbiness and in a calm voice said, “No I’m not doing the minutes.”

XN stated: “Don’t give me that bullshit.”

XN started asking why not. I said I’m stressed and over it — I’m not interested. XN stated, “you can do chair, secretary etc.”

I said, “No way, I’m not doing it, I’m not trained, I’m not interested.” I could feel an energy raising in me, as XN was trying to bully me into a corner.

I was sitting across from XN. He had raised his voice loud and angry. The tension in the air was thick as sea fog. The other crew members were looking at the floor. No one dared to speak. I sat and looked him in the eyes holding my ground.

The energy that I felt earlier this morning came up my spine, around, over and in me. It was like a rod of warm lava up my spin — warm but so solid. I’ve never felt so stanch and solid. I wasn’t going to be manipulated or moved.

XN started bagging me out, “Don’t go giving me your stressed bullshit!” He was hot red in the face, eyes bulging, veins in his neck popping,  he was in rage, loud-voiced and incredibly aggressive, using his words, tone and anger, so much red hot rage.

I was in a place of a quiet warrioress, witnessing his rage. I was still as a mountain, everyone in the room seemed to disappear before me. It was just me and XN.

Then a glimpse of one of the men who abused me — my father and a brother passed over XN’s eyes and face, an insight came to me, these men are all connected by having “a beast within” laying dormant until something, someone flicks a switch. I sat there and thought OMG.

XN got on the edge of his seat as if he was going to get up and  physically charge at me, in total red hot rage, pointing and driving his index finger at me as if it was a sword piercing through me yelling “Don’t give me that shit.”

The tension was incredible. It seemed everyone stopped breathing. From the centre of my core, in a firm, loud voice I said “Stop being a bully — you’re being a bully.” “NO means NO.”

OMG this stopped him in mid-speech for a second. Then he started driving his finger at me again, stating that he wasn’t a bully and don’t go telling everyone that I’m a bully!

One of the other crew members piped up and said he’ll do the minutes. Another crew member laughed nervously. I didn’t care, I didn’t care what the others thought of me or my behaviour. I didn’t fucken care.

At the end of the meeting, I was thanked for doing a good job with limited stock and equipment. I sat there with disbelief on my face…. I needed fresh air, to connect with nature and process what just happened.

I went out to my favourite spot. A feeling of shame came up — shame that I didn’t do as I was told, for not playing along, that I went against someone else’s wishes. Memories of my father when he was in his rage — loud, dominating, controlling, suffocating, what he said goes. I felt like I had broken an unspoken rule of our house. “Don’t upset your father!” I hear my stepmum’s voice: “Don’t get him mad! Shut up, dont say anything! Don’t get him started.”

I walked over to port side of the boat, checking out old mother rig. What was interesting was I started imaging that the railing could break and I’d fall in the sea. I went though a few scenarios off how would I rescue myself. Would someone on the rig see me?! I could get on the tyres on the side of the boat and wait there… I thought if I swam to the rig, sharks would eat me. I caught myself thinking what the fuck!

Then an old thought form came… an old societal thought that women have to do as they are told. A feeling of: I have gone against unspoken rules of my mother, grandmothers and matriarchal society. That women don’t have the right to a voice, or to say NO. So I better ruin or do some kind of self-sabotage to not make myself stand out or challenge a man. What a crock of shit.

Sorry ancestors, I will not play. No more.

From early in the day, I felt like I was an XN target. And for the first time in my life, I didn’t placate to a man in rage. I didn’t placate to a “man’s beast within.” I didn’t play it down. I didn’t escape out of my body or run and hide. I spoke my truth. I spoke up and made my feelings matter — that my feelings are important, that you can’t talk to me like that or talk to anyone like that. All the crew heard me. I didn’t placate. I was amazed at myself.

I went to my cabin and melted — The tears wouldn’t stop; I couldn’t stop them. I felt like layers  and layers of years of tears poured out of me. I was a shy, highly sensitive unconfident kid. I was unable to speak up, and being the second youngest — the siblings always came first.

I lived in constant fear, always afraid. Right now I feel so valuable and tender — so sad, as if all the times I didn’t speak up were leaking from my eyes. I had so many insights during this time of great healing. My beautiful sister who took her own life stepped forward out of the shadows.

I realize this is the harsh verbal energy that she coped with. Time and time again, the constant teasing and bitter resentful words and tone used to speak to her. Incredibly fragile delicate fractals of light gently holding her nervous system and wairua together being splintered in seconds. My darling sister, who knew me inside out, who spoke the truth to me and supported me in every way in my life.

I’m so sorry I hid behind you. I wasn’t able to speak up for you, to stand by your side and support you at those times. You were my Joan of Arc. You stood up and spoke your truth. I was so scared and frightened. I feel a sense of what you felt while your heart and soul being shattered by the ones who love us. Please forgive me.

Oh, the deep pain in my heart with this realization. Then a moment of clarity came when at times I have spoken to the ones I loved in my life in harsh, bitter resentful words — out of anger and unhappiness. Oh the shame. It feels like a terrible negative cycle that I myself have lived in.

I’m so sorry to the ones I have hurt. An image and insight came to me and that was the energy that came up though my womb and sat in my heart in meditation was of the Volcanic Hawaiian Goddess Pele holding me, solid and strong in the “face of a beast.” I had an image of lava flowing, burning orange and hot, spreading out and claiming her land.

I felt peace descend on me, that everything is ok. I nurtured myself with coconut oil and ylang ylang aromatherapy oil, massaging my hearth and solar plexus chakra. I sent out sincere prayers from my heart with gratitude of thanks for the insights, lessons and healing that I received tonight. Sending prayers to tipuna and the universe, thanking all life everywhere, thanking papatuanuku for my life, thanking the unseen — but often felt — beings that have supported me every step in my life.

No matter how hard life has been, I am deeply thankful and truly grateful for the opportunity to be a better human being. To be free, without chains and shackles weighing down my heart and knowing that I’m loved beyond measure.

Early the next morning an IR (integrated rating) that I call the Shining White Knight came and said he just wants to say he’s sorry for last night, and that it could’ve been handled better. He said he was sorry he didn’t step in earlier — that he didn’t speak up. Apparently, when I left the meeting the Shining White Knight said to the rest of the crew that I was under stress — that the broken stove tops my tools, that I haven’t had food to cook, that 13 crew are on her back if we don’t like the food. What are they like when they don’t have tools on the back deck to work with?

He also spoke up about the crude verbal abuse another crew member said at different times. I personally didn’t hear any of this. The Shining White Knight said if it was him, he would have taken it further. He said that it was sexuall harssment.

I never heard any of this but I did overhear him say “keep it clean.” What was also enlightening was the fact that XN has treated the IR crew like that on the back deck as well! I said to my Shining White Knight that I thought about apologizing to the other crew members for what happened last night. He said that’s up to you, and this made me think: Why? Why do I need to apologize, apologize for standing up for myself and speaking my truth? I felt I would be apologizing for making the other crew members uncomfortable last night, and then I realised I am not responsible for how others feel or what they feel.

One of the crew members did say last night that he spewed a number of times and didn’t sleep. I was reflecting on how myself and other people behave and react after a tense argument. They seem to avoid the person or persons, or have an energy of “what do I say, how do I speak to her.” It’s an adjustment of energy, a shifting of energetic boundaries. There’s no taking off running away, or the guys drowning their sorrows in a bottle or drugs, no holding onto grudges. There’s only our cabins to hide in — we have to face one another and get on with the job.

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